What If?

I have a cold. A monster cold, in fact, and it’s making me really crabby ... when I’m not lying on the couch feeling sorry for myself, that is. I have no energy, no interest, and no will to live. I can’t meditate through the brain fog. Thinking only worsens my congestion headache. All I want are green grapes and a full night’s sleep.

When I’m sick, I hate everything about this mortality gig. My Zen patience and good humour are as if they never existed (proof that it’s easier to keep the faith in good times than in challenging ones). And time? Time slows to an interminable crawl punctuated by the death rattle as I struggle to inhale through a perpetually stuffy nose.

Screw the self-healing and herbal remedies. Give me Benylin!

During one of my darker funks this week, I gave my mind its head. Generally, I try to contain it, but this time, I let it go, partly to see where it would go on its own, and partly because I didn’t care to stop it. I felt like crap. Fighting the good mental fight would take too much effort, so for a few indifferent moments, I dropped my deflectors and in poured the darkness.

What if it’s all a grand cosmic joke? What if we are, as Boy Sister likes to say, a failed lab experiment? What if there is no divine connection? What if the universe isn’t friendly and no one is listening? What if there is no plan, no path, and no learning? What if there are no past or parallel lives? What if there’s no future, no light at the end of the tunnel?

In short, what if there’s no point?

Well, shoot. Having hit bottom, I lay there for a minute and contemplated the void. What if, indeed? Is “nothing” something to fear? Does “nothing” validate the bad behaviour and brutal violence we inflict on each other every day? Conversely, does “nothing” devalue the beauty of a horse in full flight or the joy in a child’s laughter?

Okay, I thought, there may be no more to life than what I have now ... so why not be happy? Even if it makes no difference to the outcome, it’ll certainly make a difference to the moments I have. There is nothing to lose by choosing joy.

And assuming I survive this frigging cold, I plan to choose it forthwith!