An unusual thing
happened to me the other day. Riding the elevator to my office, I suddenly,
gleefully, thought, I want to be evil.
I wanted to be bad, mean, inconsiderate, self-absorbed, über-critical,
unhelpful; in general, the direct opposite of the way I was brought up and,
incidentally, against my nature.
I got to the
eighth floor, put my lunch in the fridge, cleaned out the dish drainer,
switched on the kettle, replenished the snack bowls, and lit up my “doctor is
in” sign.
Sigh.
Life at present
has gotten beyond my control. Too much is happening that affects me, yet I can
do nothing but cope—and coping is getting harder by the day. I’ve been
haranguing my angels and doing the self-talk, fighting the good fight,
resisting the impulse to flush myself into the Vortex of Doom, and pursued the
positive attitude to the ends of the earth. On the elevator that day, I
admitted defeat.
And that’s okay.
I can’t do it all. I can’t always be optimistic. I’m human, after all, not
superhuman. It’s not my job to rejig the misaligned energy fields. All I have
to do is take my hands off the wheel and be patient. Be kind with others, and
with myself. Take small steps. Find joy in the present moment—or admit when joy
ain’t happening. It’s okay if my outlook is bleak. It won’t stay that way. It
never does. And no matter how rough my life is, someone else’s is always
rougher. Knowing so does not lessen my angst, but it puts things in
perspective.
So did the entry
on the Zen desk calendar for my “wanna be evil” day. It’s a piece called the
Bodhisatta Vows, and I like it better than I ever liked the Lord’s Prayer:
May I be a guard
for those who need protection
A guide for
those on the path
A boat, a raft,
a bridge for those who wish to cross the flood
May I be a lamp
in the darkness
A resting place
for the weary
A healing
medicine for all who are sick
A vase of
plenty, a tree of miracles
And for the
boundless multitude of living beings
May I bring
sustenance and awakening
Enduring like
the earth and sky
Until all beings
are freed from sorrow
And all are
awakened
With love,
Life seems to be getting the better of all the people I love most. Just know that when you whisper these words, I am whispering them with you.
ReplyDeleteI think I will share this prayer if you will on F***book. And maybe I'll use it as my nightly send off.
You have a bigger audience than I do, Nic - sharing is a good idea.
DeleteI've also tacked the hard copy onto my wall at work, just as a reminder of what's really important.It won't stop me from wanting to be small and mean and indifferent, but it will bring me back on track more quickly. <3