What’s in a Brain?

Not only is my chiropractor enthralled by my crooked spine, he’s a great audience. I’m guaranteed to get a laugh every time I see him. He’s also a sports therapist, so I like to ask him random questions when I’ve been pondering the unique oddities of my compostable container. I’m so strangely wired, in fact, that sometimes we both learn something.

Lately I’ve had problems with my teeth aching, but rather than going to the dentist like a normal person, I decided it was a nerve issue better addressed by chiro—and I was right. A couple of visits and some postural instruction later, and my teeth are quiet again. It also got me thinking about my nervous system. So I asked him:

“All our nerves are contained in the spinal cord, right?”

“Yes,” he said, “except for seventeen facial nerves. (He knew this because my teeth quandary had sent him back to the manual; boy, we had a laugh about that!) Everything else runs through the third and fourth cervical vertebrae via the spinal cord.”

Now was the time to spring my logic on him, but not before I got his expert take on the subject. “So, where does it start?”

“In the brain.”

So much for logic. “Oh!” I exclaimed. “I thought it started at the base of the spine and spread upward, like a tulip bulb!”

He thought this was hilarious. “No, no. The nervous system starts at the brain and continues from the base of the spine into your legs and feet. I’m surprised at you, Ruth. I thought you were smarter than that.”

“Yeah, well, I guess it shows how much I value my brain!”

I’m really more of a heart person.

Fast forward to the ancient Egypt exhibit at the Royal BC Museum.  It’s a fabulous meander through life on the Nile in the time of the pharaohs, spanning everything from geography to society to the afterlife. I’ve read a bit about the ancient culture and the rituals around mummification, but the exhibit taught me a few things I hadn’t previously known about the process of prepping the body. I knew the internal organs were removed and given their own individual jars—lungs, liver, stomach and intestines—but I didn’t know (or remember) the heart was replaced in the chest cavity and (get this) the brain was discarded. Turns out you don’t need it in the afterlife!

It’s not that important in this life, either, no matter how hard it tries to convince you otherwise. It doesn’t house your soul. It’s the mortal version of Windows: it keeps the compostable container alive, but it doesn’t know a darned thing about life.

Well, maybe it knows enough to fear dying. It runs the machine and houses the self-preservation software. It’s also got an impressive array of tricks to keep us believing it’s smarter than it really is. As the comic Emo Phillips once said, “I thought the brain was the most important organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me that.”

Sure, when faced with imminent danger, the fight/flight response kicks in, but the brain is part of the standard mortality package that includes motor skills and bladder control. I suppose the intellect resides in the brain as well, as intellect lacks compassion for anything and anyone save itself. Intellect ridicules compassion and empathy. It sneers at getting by on what you need rather than raking in the lion’s share. It’s all about survival of the fittest—but not necessarily the smartest. It believes what it’s told (sort of) and makes up what it doesn’t hear the first time. To its credit, the brain is a good storyteller—the writer in me likes that point—but it does tend to focus on horror rather than hope, keeping itself relevant in the guise of keeping us safe.

I could go on, but I’m not a neuroscientist. I don’t even play one on TV. I do know, however, that my heart is far smarter than my brain will ever be. I suspect this is because my heart houses the innate wisdom of spirit, that which connects me to each of you and to the greater source of All There Is. What resides in my heart is truly eternal, limitless, immortal and divine. What resides in my brain is temporary, transient, subjective and useful only until I reach my carbon-based expiry date. It is utterly fallible, and utterly human. It provides the contrast our spirits need to help us experience this phase of existence. It’s not as smart as it is shifty, but if I’m going to be a true creature of spirit, I will be glad of my brain for as long as I am here. It serves a significant purpose, after all, but let’s get real.

I won’t need it in the afterlife.

Lemons

When someone’s life goes sour, I’m the first one to spout a platitude. When it’s my life, I’m the first one to want to clock the first one to spout a platitude.

Like this oldie but goodie: “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.”

If all had gone to plan, this weekend my wee sister and I would have been halfway through visiting our older older brother on Prince Edward Island, and today I’d have been on an in-person artist date with Nicole. Alas, life had another plan that, by ripple effect, changed the original plan, plus a couple of others.

I spent the summer mourning my “sister trip” as well as my mother, and even though the flights were fully refunded, having to do it still hurt. It also gave me a different song to sing when I tired of lamenting Mum. There were a few tracks on the “2018 Summer Sucks” EP, and I played that baby thin. I may even have incurred an eyeroll or two by writing this post, but stick with me – it gets brighter at the end.

It may be human to cry for what might have been, but it’s also terribly unproductive. “What might have been” is as unreal as what once was; all we truly have is Right Now. And while in the Now, even what seems real is merely transient. Sadness is as fleeting as happiness if you choose to make it so. Denying what we feel in a given moment doesn’t make it go away – in fact, it’s more likely to come out sideways when we’re not looking – so by all means, take that moment and relish it. We’re here to experience contrast; however, it’s equally important to remember that we can change how we feel, good or bad, according to how we want to feel.

I didn’t know it before, but I know it now: I don’t like grief. While it’s necessary to the human condition, it’s no fun at all and eventually I got tired of it. I slowly started thinking about other things. Happier things. Creative things. I love and miss Mum no less, yet now that I’m facing the sun again, she’s even more present in my awareness. (How can she be gone and still be present? Only the Universe knows for sure!)

You rarely nail the recipe on the first go; you gotta keep tasting the lemons to get the sweetness right – and while some folks just plain like their lemonade on the sour side, others have no idea that adding the sugar is up to them. Henry David Thoreau said, and I’m paraphrasing as usual, it’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.

I hated that wee sis and I had to postpone our trip. I hated the reason more, of course, but we certainly haven’t cancelled it. We’ve simply changed the dates.

So Thoreau was right. It’s about perspective. And when you get right down to it, you can’t make lemonade without those darned lemons.

Me and My Shadow

You again. My old friend. Stealthy and silent, biding your time, waiting patiently for your moment. You’re so good at being unobtrusive that I forget you’re always two steps behind, lurking at my shoulder, skulking by my side. I lose my focus and suddenly you’re right in front of me. If you had a face, you’d be smiling because once in front, you refuse to step aside and let me pass.

Everyone has a dark side. It’s part of the package we bought when we signed the papers on this existence. Call it what you will: shadow self, alter ego, super ego, it’s the human part of our mortal makeup.

And it loves to be miserable. It revels in reminders of how hard life is, and how precarious our position is within this big scary world. Fear is its driving force, and boy does it know how to play the head games required to immobilize you.

I normally choose happiness and love over fear and anxiety, but when life demands to be lived on its own terms, i.e., when the poo hits the propeller, Shadow Ru pounces.

I didn’t even realize she had done so until the day I finally looked up from my feet. There she was, and had been for weeks, fixed solidly in my path.

By then I was so immured in the funk of loss that pulling myself out of it was like pushing the proverbial elephant up the stairs. I’d been crying nonstop since June. Taking tea and tissues into the Ocean Room had become a nightly ritual. From one loss, a list of others had sprung in a dismal domino effect that made the rest of my life look pretty grim. What’s the point, anyway? Can we start again, please? I knew I had to flip my focus to abundance instead of loss, and as soon as I saw Shadow Ru, I understood it was time to put her back in her place. But how to do it?

According to the law of physics, you get back the energy you put out. If you’re operating from the fear-based position of loss, you’ll find yourself losing more, thanks to the generous nature of our obliging Universe. Conversely, if you look for the miracle, you’ll see it—and you honestly don’t have to try that hard.

But Shadow Ru was relentless. “You think that was bad?” she asked. “What about this? And this? Or what if this happens? Wouldn’t it be terrible?”

“Well, yes,” I replied, “but it hasn’t happened.”

“But what if it does? Best be prepared for the worst.”

“Oh, move along!” I burst out, fed up with the negativity.

She refused. Worse, she persisted with her pernicious fearmongering until I thought I’d lose my mind. She wouldn’t let me see past her. She deliberately blocked my view of the good things in my life, of the little miracles and everyday blessings that sustained me through this summer. I was frazzed beyond endurance, trying to elbow past her, when my smarter self—Spirit Ru—calmly made a brilliant suggestion:

If your shadow is in front of you, then the sun is at your back. Just turn around.

Huh. I shoulda had a V-8.

Shadow Ru is still with me, of course, but now she’s back where she belongs: behind me.

With love,

Cold Comfort

The creators of my favourite ice cream long ago confessed that the name Haagen-Daaz has no meaning. It’s not Danish or Norwegian or Swedish for anything.

Okay, but it means something to me. Apparently, it means comfort food.

Truthfully, Ter and I almost always have one flavour in the freezer, doled out by the egg spoon after a particularly spicy dinner, but the current stash of four flavours plus a box of bars suggests a deeper purpose than mere avoidance of acid reflux. Pictured is the second round of the summer just past; by July 31, we’d already blown through three tubs and a box of minis. Can you say stressed?

I did more than mainline H-D this summer. I drank tea lattes by the super-hot, extra foamy vat. I continually tested the limits of my GF sensitivity with pizza crust, pie crust, cookies and toast made from real bread. I emptied two bottles of cinnamon vanilla Baileys and rediscovered the joy of Amarula-laced Red Rose (or, more accurately, Amarula laced with Red Rose). I was so consumed by grief that I stopped caring about what I consumed. Sympathy and support could only do so much while I struggled to maintain a semblance of normal in a world gone severely abnormal. I wanted to feel better. I wanted comfort. So I gave myself permission to eat what I wanted when I wanted, and if that was a bag of Cheetos for dinner, so be it.

It’s not surprising that what I eat to help myself feel better actually makes me feel worse. Wheat curdles my thought process and gives me headaches. Milk in great abundance inflames both joints and ligaments. Wheat and dairy together ignite the stomach pain that Ter jokingly refers to as “gas giants”. Too many starchy carbs congest my sinuses and make me really sleepy. And sugar? Hey, I can quit that anytime I like, wink wink.

I have to shape up if I want to feel more like myself again. If I want the strength to create a new normal, if I want to embrace my life and kickstart my bright and shiny future, I had better cool it with the naughty nummies. Ter has made it her personal mission to ensure I get enough protein in a nutritionally-balanced diet, but she can’t watch me every millisecond of every day and I’m not so scared of her that I won’t pop that box of Smarties when she’s not around. Which means it’s up to me. What do I want more? To feel better right now, or to feel better, period?

Exactly how cold is that comfort?

PS, I Love You

Ter loves the fall so much that if she was a Spice Girl, she’d be Pumpkin Spice.

Me, I like pumpkin pie, pumpkin soup, pumpkin custard, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin quick bread (GF, ovvvvv course), and the word itself. If I had a Mini, it would be Flyer orange with a vanity plate reading “PUMKIN”. As for the perennial autumn favourite, ye olde pumpkin spice latte/chai/what-have-you, I confess, it’s not the spice so much as its heralding of the season that brightens my world. Whether I order one or not, and it’s generally not, I’m always happy to welcome it when it comes.

So how was it that I opened my email on August 27 to find advisories from two of my regular coffee haunts proclaiming the return of the pumpkin spice latte? Make no mistake. I wanted the end of Summer 2018 more desperately than anyone, but even then, August 27??? Really, you money-grubbing corporate giants? You couldn’t wait for the Labour Day weekend before launching the harvest on a society still preparing for back to school? Even Mother Nature was in denial about the timing: who wants a warming spice drink when the park bench is hot beneath your butt and you’re still working on your tan? Surely pumpkin spice can wait until the first day of autumn!

And that’s (kind of) my point. The last day of summer, for me, falls not on the equinox in September, but on August 31. It doesn’t even matter if Labour Day happens after my birthday; September 1 is the first day of fall.

It happens almost overnight. Mornings dawn later, cool and crisp, yet the jacket you must wear to work is flung over your arm on the way home. The sky is a vibrant, burnished blue. The sun casts golden light on trees suddenly ablaze with colour. Twilight settles sooner, but gently, accompanied by the first whiff of wood smoke from neighbourhood chimneys. Apples scent the air where no apple trees exist – figure that one out! – and suddenly it’s too cold for your sandals. By the time the equinox arrives around the 22nd, we’re well into the autumnal groove ... but that groove does not, must not, begin until after August 31.

57

In the midst of chaos – another birthday.

I woke up feeling strangely disconnected from myself this morning. The past few months have been utterly crazy for a myriad of reasons. Today is the first day in weeks when nothing’s been on the docket, and while the crazies rage all around it, my birthday sits like the eye of the hurricane, where all is calm.

Okay, that’s a bit of hyperbole. Let’s just say there’s a lot going on and it won’t be stopping anytime soon. Life is like that. There’s always something. We claim we want routine, we crave a level playing field, yet how many static days pass before we complain about being bored? I didn’t ask for any of what’s happening … or did I? If only I’d brought a copy of my contract on the day I was born …

Back to this morning. Birthdays being my New Year’s benchmark, it was time for a review of the past year with an eye to seeing if/how I’ve progressed since last September. This year, I’ve kind of stumbled in the gratitude department. I’m not completely happy with my job, and I’m not completely happy at home (nothing to do with Ter; believe me when I say that she’s sharing the pain). More change is definitely in the wind … but how am I doing with me? Am I okay with Ru? I’ve been running full tilt for so many months that I haven’t had time to think, let alone act. I’m in dire need of serious self-care, that’s for darned sure, and “self-care” does not mean eating as much ice cream as I want despite the congestion I’ll encounter as a result. That’s self-indulgence. Or maybe self-destructive.

It feels good in the moment, though.

I’m a Virgo and Virgo is an earth sign. I need grounding, else I’m susceptible to drama. And grounding is what I’ve missed most of late. Everyone needs solitude in some degree; that’s when we look inward to see how we’re doing. Well, I looked inward this morning and saw myself spinning in orbit when I should be fixed solidly at centre. In a summer fraught with grief, frustration, and anxiety, this is no surprise. It is not, however, inevitable that I remain grief-stricken, frustrated or anxious. The best way I know to bring me back to earth?

Gratitude. Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude.

Work is nuts, but I work with good caring people. Work is cramped, but my office roommate is the only person on the whole crowded floor I would choose to bump elbows with in a tiny space. Home is noisy, but it’s beautiful whether or not the toddler downstairs is pitching a fit. (And none of it is permanent; I can change it if I want.) I still have the ocean, I can still do the stairs, I’m in better health now than I was a year ago—and I still have my Ter. I still have dear friends and a wonderful family… and I had the best mum that ever was.

Happy birthday, Ru. Welcome back to earth.