Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Preamble


It’s nice to finish something. When you write novels and your short stories run about 40 pages apiece, it’s hard to feel like you’ve accomplished anything after a writing weekend, whether you write during every day of it or not. I love my novel and I’m learning to shorten up the stories, though not enough to make a single post of anything. The blog is helping a bit; while I never considered myself a writer of personal non-fiction, trying to keep my posts of readable length has kind of forced me into the genre.

But my forte is still fiction (I think). My preference is certainly fiction. I love to write about other people, yet, as I say, it can be darned demoralizing when it takes for-frikking-ever to get anything finished. It gets even worse when a new voice pops into mind and starts making demands. I begin to think Iʼll never get anything done so why bother starting?

Then there are days when that new voice gets so insistent that I start seeing pictures and overhearing conversations from a story I havenʼt conceived of yet. I can feel my right brain swelling with content. It isnʼt painful in the conventional sense, but it is definitely distracting. I literally have to set everything else aside just to get it out of my head.

A couple of months back, I put up a blurb called Café Nuit that was inspired by Adam Hurstʼs cello piece The Midnight Waltz. It was short, fairly sweet, and got pretty good reviews from the faithful. I guess the heroine of the piece was gratified because she came back to me this weekend and bugged me into writing an extension of her story. Granted, it took me a few hours to get it out in first draft. Iʼd hoped to do it in half the time, but it didnʼt need much tweaking so Iʼll take it.

Best of all, it isnʼt that long, so I can put it into a single post! Watch this space – it goes up tomorrow.

Enjoy.

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Resentments Under Construction



It’s handy having an icon who went to rehab then wrote about it. Naturally, I can’t find the exact moment in the book (In the Pleasure Groove: Love, Death and Duran Duran), but somewhere in the pages, John Taylor shared a saying that he picked up in treatment:
 
“Expectations are resentments under construction.”

It struck such a chord with me that I put it onto my office board. I remind myself of it whenever I come away from something disappointed. I try to apply it going in as well, being a person who once viewed optimism as expecting the worst of everything and everyone so that I could be pleasantly surprised if it didn’t happen. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes not. Expecting the best of everything and everyone doesn’t work that well, either. You get what you get, expectations or no, so why have any at all?

Dr. Wayne Dyer suggests that by envisioning things like prosperity and abundance, and expecting the universe to make it so, then prosperity and abundance will manifest. I’ve tried it. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. I’ve seen expectations exceeded. I’ve also seen expectations go down in flames, and when the person trying to manifest those great expectations deserves the best of everything yet winds up on the crap end of the deal, I have to step back and reframe.

Then I remember the saying from JT’s autobiography.

Resentments under construction.

When expectations are not met, you blame the other person. You blame the universe. Worst of all, you blame yourself. You should have tried harder. You should have prayed more. You should have steered clear of that Mars bar. Augh. Should, should, should! Old programming is really hard to break. It creeps into my new age philosophy whenever things do not go as I, er, expected. I like Wayne Dyer. Some of his theories and affirmations really do make sense to me. As with religion, however, no one spiritual guru has the market cornered on what works. I’m beginning to suspect that the universal response is tailored to the individual anyway. I can build my spiritual wardrobe from the weave of various designers and create a look that works for me. So, today, out with expectation.

Hope is the new expectation. It’s softer, gentler, more forgiving. More accepting. Less accusatory. Now instead of expecting a particular outcome, I hope for a particular outcome. The outcome may be the same either way, being the best thing for me no matter how I perceive it, but there is a grace in hope that expectation doesn’t exhibit when things go sideways. Hope is more gracious in success, too.

No one ever accused her of being a resentment under construction.

Sunday, 6 October 2013

Insomnia



My mind is stupid. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have one. It’s supposed to be this great work of intelligence, the thing that makes me superior to the monkeys; and I admit, there are times when it’s saved my bacon because it’s programmed to keep me alive, but paradoxically it deprives me of the rest my body needs by keeping me awake at night.

Many nights will pass without incident, but after a day of heavy activity and too much sugar and caffeine (yep, even green tea can be a detriment to the sleep cycle if I drink it in the evening), my eyes pop open at three in the morning and stay that way for at least an hour as my superior intellect spins its self-destructive web of nonsense.

What I said; what I didn’t say; what I should have said; how I should have said what I said; chipping ineffectively away at my Visa bill; work hassles; home headaches; people I want to disappear who frikking won’t; the weird noise the car is making; when are the Flyers going to start winning if the Flyers ever start winning … It’s this stupid, pointless, annoying black hole that does nothing but frustrate me because I can’t change anything at three-thirty in the morning and all I want to do is sleep because the alarm is going to go off in two hours and thirty six minutes.

So I toss and I turn. I try to hear the surf but the sea is quiet tonight. The house is so silent that I can hear my lungs expanding when I breathe. So I focus on that, hoping that a Zen miracle will occur and the rhythm will lull me back to dreamland. Then my nose stuffs up and I have to turn over to let my sinuses drain. Consequently, I lose the thread. Counting breaths is boring anyway. I point the remote at the stereo and get the Celtic harp tunes going again. The music helps a little. I keep playing back the day that went before. My wee sister’s surprise birthday party, attended by our parents, every sibling in town and their families (or portions thereof). It was so good to see everyone and be together in the same room for a couple of hours. Did I make it clear how delighted I was to sit with my younger older brother and talk hockey with his wryly hilarious son? Was I affectionate enough with my dear mum, who brought me a gluten-free baking book even though it wasn’t my birthday? Did I exchange more than greetings and good byes with Dad? I hardly spoke with the birthday girl herself ’cause she was late arriving and I had to leave after the prezzies were opened. I know what else I didn’t do: I didn’t stand on the coffee table and declare how much I love every one of them. Probably a good thing in retrospect, but a morose regret in the middle of the night.

Stupid mind.

I broke it – finally – by considering the story I want to work on today. It’s a handy tactic that only works after a while; I may try it at the first hint of trouble, but my mind quickly senses what I’m about and moves to block me. Eventually, I’m able to derail the night train and fall back asleep, waking somewhat more befuddled than usual … and with no memory of the brilliant plot twist that came to me just as I tipped off the curb.

I hate insomnia. A waste of time and energy, mental and otherwise. When I retire, I will foil it by being a night owl.


Saturday, 5 October 2013

"Four Legs and a Tale (Part VIII)"

 
Sian follows the trail with care, stepping daintily to avoid roots or dints hidden in the shadows. It’s full dark and a pale moon is rising, casting milky light through the thinning leaves overhead. The air is chill on his skin; for the first time since waking beneath the cliff, he wishes for clothes. A shirt, a tunic, even a vest. A vest would look well with his hind end, he decides. Anything else will look foolish.
He chuckles morosely. Vanity is a human trait, one he has not thought he possesses. Apparently, he is wrong, else he would be unconcerned that his wardrobe fit naturally with his unnatural condition. With no example to follow, he is free to create his own trend—one unlikely to spread unless more manhorses are discovered.
Or should it be “menhorse”? He must be educated to question the grammar.
Your answer dwells at the manor.
He should be completely lost, yet he finds himself on the fringe of the orchard without making a wrong turn. The moon is high by now. He thinks to find Kev—beyond that, he has no definite plan except, perhaps, to interrogate the boy for more information. Kev knows Sian’s real name; if he hears it from Sian’s own lips, perhaps he will reveal what else he knows of who Sian is … or was, when he had two legs rather than four.
But how will he find Kev in the middle of the night when he knows nothing of the property or the boy’s place upon it? The orchard was easily found. Getting closer to the house will take some stealth—except that his feet carry him with certainty between rows of apple, pear, and peach trees. He must step carefully, though; a soggy scrunch and the cloying sweet scent of rotting apple wafts up from under a forehoof. He gives the foot a shake, then freezes, holding his hoof in the air.
Someone is coming.
Kev?
He hopes.
Shadows flit silently between the trees. Sian tries to follow them with his eyes, but they are too swift and the moonlight is too weak. He almost rears when a small, lithe form darts at him from the side; a stabbing pain in his haunch reminds him of the arrow he took and he wheels instead, coming face to face with the brown-eyed girl.
He blurts her name from a memory he does not have, then sees he is mistaken. “Roanne,” he amends, relieved. The smaller shadow turns out to be her curly-haired brother, his face pinched with displeasure. Sian takes the intimated scolding but refuses to budge when Joel motions for him to go back toward the wood. “No,” he says, firmly.
At least the children understand one word. They trade uneasy glances, then Roanne speaks in a reasonable tone that deepens her brother’s frown. The boy seems prone to argue without a viable argument; he makes a great show of huffing and puffing, but makes no effort to hinder the girl’s fleet departure. When Sian makes to follow her, Joel stops him with a raised hand and a sharp use of the word they all understand.
“No!”
Sian stares, then suddenly grasps that Roanne has run to fetch Kev. He sidles around and signs for Joel to get on his back. The boy hesitates, tempted by the offer despite his better judgment. Sian swishes his tail as encouragement, preening a little. The innate love of horses combined with Sian’s golden beauty seduces the boy to surrender. He hops astride the manhorse’s back and puts heels to his flanks. Sian starts off so fast that Joel is nearly thrown; if not for a handful of blond curls and a quick grab for one arm, he’d have been unseated in two strides.
 
* * *
 
Kev roosts with the other orphan boys in Lord Derrick’s service, crammed two to a bed in a cluster of small wooden huts off the kitchen garden. Roanne has never seen inside the one he calls home, but she knows which one it is. On tiptoe at a window, she peers through closed shutters and urgently whispers his name. She is almost hit in the head when the shutter swings wide and someone who is not Kev fills the window frame. It’s the half-Lirosi youth who works the cider press. “What do you want?” he demands harshly, recognizing her in the dim moonlight.
“I’m looking for Kev.”
“In the middle of the night?”
“It’s important.”
“I doubt that,” he says with all the worldly wisdom of a boy whose balls have dropped. Roanne knows about midnight trysts, but the notion of having one with Kev makes her mildly faint. She thinks it’s with disgust, though she can’t say for sure.
“Is he here?” she asks, bullying ahead just the same.
He folds his arms and stares down at her. “Maybe.”
An anxious knot twists beneath Roanne’s ribs as she realizes that she may be in for a fight. At the same time, the grass rustles behind her and the bony youth is startled into abandoning his superior air. Roanne turns, expecting to see Sian, and finds herself looking at Lady Alarice instead.
 
* * *
 
Joel hauls on Sian’s hair to halt him before they crash from the sheltering trees. They have both seen the woman appear at Roanne’s back, but while the boy’s impulse is to stop, Sian is driven forward. He rebels against Joel’s command, veering aside as the battle ensues between his rider and himself; a stuttering series of steps breaks through the screen and presents the pair of them, still arguing, to the little group at the window. The bony youth and the noble lady are openly taken aback; only Roanne believes what she sees and uses their surprise to her advantage. Sian is barely aware of her running toward him. His gaze is frozen on the face of the woman, brown-eyed and fair-haired. She calls to him—“Blais!”—then the girl vaults up behind her brother and Joel kicks to make him gallop. He spins on his quarters and plunges back the way he came, trusting the boy to see them safely away because he cannot be sure that what he heard was true.
 
To be continued …
 
copyright 2013 Ruth R. Greig

Thursday, 3 October 2013

My Same

the birthday girl before I knew her
“We are drawn together and pulled apart in all the right ways to make it last.”
– Timothy Findlay

Ter found this quote and immediately saw how it applied to our relationship. We have been friends for thirty years. We have been sisters from the dawn of time. In fact, she falls perfectly into the birth order between my older sister and me. Had she been born to my parents … well, she wouldn’t have been who she is and I probably wouldn’t have appreciated her as much.

I don’t always appreciate her now – at least, not outwardly. She tops my daily gratitude list and when she drives away after dropping me at work, my whole life goes with her. I could live on my own. I just don’t want to.

When we first met, I was in awe. She was cool, composed and seemed to have it all together in ways that I couldn’t begin to emulate. She was blonde and beautiful (still is, in fact), articulate and surely closer to perfection than I would ever get. See, we were more religious in those days, so the aim to perfection was our primary purpose. Sister K seemed to have it all going on. I was asking too many questions … and disliking most of the answers.

Anyway, she needed a ride to a church function one night, so I agreed to pick her up at her parents’ apartment. She got into the car, we started talking … and we’ve been talking ever since. She’s my hero, one of the bravest souls I know despite what she calls her “Piglety moments” when she is a small and timid animal relying on my Tigger tendencies to get her through them. Most of the time, she is smart, strong-willed, organized, intelligent, fearless, and so in control of the world that I’m happy to ride alongside and enjoy the scenery. At other times, she is deeply spiritual, openly connected to the universe, dreamy, creative, spontaneous, funny, and always my better half. I’m dark, she’s light. I’m cynical, she’s hopeful. I’m optimistic, she’s pessimistic—that sounds backward but really isn’t. We have spent three decades learning to balance each other. We have enough differences to pull us apart and enough similarities to draw us together, as Timothy Findlay says, to make it last.

Adele Akins wrote a song about her best friend, entitled “My Same.” Polar opposites, yet perfectly matched to make a healthy whole. I love the song. It could be about Ter and me.

Today is her birthday. Today is my Thanksgiving.

Here’s to another thirty years together, buddee. I love you.

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

Pool Queue


Rufus helping to pick my Flyers

The office hockey pool is now underway. We drafted our players yesterday and here’s how my roster turned out:

Claude Giroux (Phi)
Jonathan Toews (Chi)
Taylor Hall (Edm)
Jakub Voracek (Phi)
Ryan Kesler (Van)
Mike Richards (LA)
Vincent Lecavalier (Phi)
Jeff Carter (LA)
Scott Hartnell (Phi)
Cody Hodgson (Buf)
Alex Pietrangelo (StL)
Mark Streit (Phi)

With bench players as follow:

Jannik Hansen (Van)
Tyler Ennis (Buf)
Shane Doan (Phx)
Jason Garrison (Van)

I’m heavy on Flyers and ex-Flyers, but no Bruins, Islanders, or Devils. If I didn’t get every player I hoped for (Kris Letang and Erik Karlsson on defense, for instance), at least I picked everyone live instead of relying on the system picking for me. That’s how I was able to avoid Bruins, Islanders, and Devils. I’m happy with this gang – totally tapdancing over getting Kesler; now it’s a matter of them staying healthy. This is my third year in the pool. My rookie year I got second place, hit the sophomore slump last year, and expect a better finish than 7th this time out.

The Maple Leafs are in Philadelphia tonight, the matchup that started me on this crazy road of hockey ho’dom all those years ago. Life is good!!

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Autumn Leaves



the autumn leaves
drift by my window…”

No, they don’t. Around here, they zip by so fast that you wonder if you saw them at all. Or they get caught on the updraft and spiral skyward like snowflakes only to land light years from their tree of origin. I watched a flock of them on Saturday morning, dancing and spinning with such glee it was hard to grasp that the dance is of their death.

I pictured a tiny fragile leaf, nurtured all summer on sap and sunshine, clinging tenaciously to the branch despite the insistently tugging wind. I imagined the tree whispering, encouraging it to let go. So it does. The wind catches it, carries it high above the branch, above the tree itself, away on a dizzying gust, higher and higher, until it disappears from mortal sight. The bright yellow remains will land on a lawn or a sidewalk, but the leaf itself has moved on, through the clouds and up past the atmosphere to wherever leaves go when they die.

Only they don’t die. I doubt that leaves actually live. They are to a tree what hair is to a human. They grow and are shed, but they don’t feel anything. When a leaf is plucked before its time, it doesn’t say ouch. The tree does. The tree houses the infinite energy, rooted in the earth and tied to an annual cycle that mirrors the greater cycle of all creation.

The blaze of autumn colour is easily misinterpreted as death. It may signal the final hurrah for this round, but it’s far from over for the tree. It will sleep through the winter, then be reborn in the spring, sprouting new leaves, living another cycle … just as we do. We don’t end with our mortal winter. Our bright yellow remains are absorbed back into the earth, but the essence of each individual rises up past the atmosphere to a place beyond mortal vision, to sleep or dream or plan a return visit—but certainly not to die. What would be the point of that? Why would Nature establish a pattern of renewal and rebirth, and exclude us from the party? And how naïve are we to believe that we only get one crack at this mortality gig? I didn’t have to repeat third grade, but I did have to move up through elementary to junior high to high school before I learned enough to equip me for the next phase, and which proved insufficient, by the way. Doing is the best way to learn, so if we don’t learn it in this life, guess what? We repeat grade three. It took me twelve years of school to make adulthood. I reckon it should take at least twelve lifetimes to graduate to whatever comes next in the grand scheme of things.

That’s not to say I can goof off or not do my homework. I doubt there is a test between phases, but I suspect if I don’t pay attention now, I’ll get to the exit interview and go Crap! I was supposed to learn (insert virtue here)! So I’ll have to wedge the forgotten lesson into my course load for the next round.

Autumn is my favourite season of the year, so I’m optimistic that the autumn of my current existence will be the most fun yet. My toes are barely into it, but I know it’s here. My leaves are turning, for one thing, and the sap is starting to run a bit thin. I’m attracted to brighter colours, and bolder about wearing them, too. Now I get the saying, “When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple.” Vivid colours are better suited to adorn maturity.

Just ask a tree.